Reflections of a Former Immigrant

I’ll begin this post by saying this is entirely my experience and this will inevitably be very different for every immigrant based on factors like whether you voluntarily emigrated (I didn’t), whether the country you moved to was culturally proximal to yours (mine was), whether you spoke the native language (I did), etc.

I didn’t want to be an immigrant. I remember sleeping on an air mattress in our old living room a few days before we left the UK and wondering what on earth life would be like. I’d never even been to the United States on holiday and now I was having to live there. My experience wasn’t the best and I certainly had less opportunity than my brothers but I do not regret being an immigrant at all. The opposite in fact.

So much of why I didn’t want to be an immigrant is because I don’t like change and immigration requires you to change so much of yourself, even if it’s month by month. Sometimes you don’t even realise you’ve changed that much. Now that I have moved back to the UK, I can see exactly how immigration has shaped me and where I had to change.

You lose the comfort of language

Bear in mind, the US speaks English. However, it’s not the same English. As soon as I got to English class in 11th grade, I was told off for writing realise instead of realize. I had to temper how I spoke and said things. The letter t became softened over time, especially when teaching in the south. To be fully understood meant adjusting my natural speech pattern, tone and cadence. I didn’t realise how much until I see old videos from the US now. In addition to that, humour is such an important aspect of how we, as Brits, communicate. That had to be adjusted. I could never really, unless at home with family, exude my real sense of humour.

You gain a deeper tenacity

There is nothing that gives you a kick up the bum more than having to find success in a new country. I remember going to high school in 11th grade and no one knowing what to do with British GCSE grades. I was given a 2.5 GPA with less than a year to somehow miraculously figure out how SAT, ACT, TAKS and AP tests work, as well as accumulating volunteering hours and building a CV ready for university. It’s certainly an eldest child trait to be a adult and parent pleaser, but this only increases when you’re the first in a new country too. My parents couldn’t tell me how American high school or university would be. I had to learn for myself with not one person to ask. I wasn’t a bad student in the UK, but I wasn’t great. I learned how to work hard in the US because I had to. You’re up against go-getters and, as an immigrant, you are so conscious of ensuring your parents’ sacrifice wasn’t in vain. I fully credit the US and being an immigrant for giving me the skills to be tenacious and diligent when needed.

You lose the ability for anyone to truly understand you

When you immigrate to another country, those in your former can no longer understand you and your experiences. You can no longer understand theirs. Your new country can’t understand your past and any points of reference in conversation are not there. Now, I can talk to my students about cultural things and use references that they understand. I couldn’t do that with my students in the US. A lot of immigrant groups seek out their own. I didn’t. I didn’t feel it would be beneficial for assimilation, but I actually never assimilated and sometimes I wish I would have had a friend from the UK to talk to about a shared experience. Granted, normal phases of life contribute to divides in understanding too, but it’s magnified at an immigrant level because all the things I could talk about with friends over here initially were experiences we shared 15 years ago. In the US, I could never talk about my background or heritage. Even now, although British, I feel that I am not quite the same as everyone else and probably never will be.

You gain deeper perspective

Living in two places grants you the gift of seeing the world through multiple pairs of eyes. It allows you to find the beauty across cultures and to have a much stronger affinity for where you stand in issues of morality, politics, ethics, etc. I absolutely love Latin music. I listen to Cuban music almost every day because it makes me happy. I don’t understand the words but I appreciate the rhythm and the nuances of culture that come through. It reminds me of the heavy Latin influence of the southern states and many of my friends who are Latino/a. That affinity would be lost here. A girl from Anglesey listening to Cuban music as she gets ready each morning makes little sense… except it makes so much sense to me.

I’ve become more moderate moving back to the UK in terms of politics because I have seen firsthand the divisiveness and unhelpfulness of identity politics. I lived in small-town Tennessee in the Trump era and never felt more angry or isolated. That should not be the case. Politics should never have the ability to divide populations as much as it does in the US. We should vote for candidates based on their principles and not their party. It’s so logical but evidently so difficult to embody when we categorise ourselves by our name, age, race, gender and political party.

I’ve learned to appreciate the feeling of possibility in the US. I never felt like I could accomplish anything more than when I lived there, which was ironic considering my visa restricted most things. But it’s that American Dream isn’t it? Yet here, I appreciate the deep love of heritage and simplicity. For Brits, there’s not much more comforting than nature and good weather. It was famously said by Stephen Fry that often the self-help section is the biggest in American bookstores. Of the biggest in British bookstores is history. The American stripe that now runs through me is the go-getter; the ambitious first-born. The British is the quiet and content with a passion for stories and the solitude of nature.

You lose and gain people

A difficult truth that immigration will enlighten you with is that most people don’t stick around, so your deep love and appreciation and loyalty will always be with the ones who do. There’s many people who have stuck with me on either side of the pond, which is not an easy feat with a six hour difference! For them, I am eternally grateful. As an immigrant, you really learn the out of sight out of mind adage and it can be painful. I’ve found in my experience that the people who tell you frequently that they will be there are the ones who are not. I guess the plus side of this is that you learn to be self-reliant. You learn not to depend on anyone.

I will admit that one of my deepest sadnesses is that I never could have an experience with my parents as I moved into adulthood where our lives could intertwine due to proximity. In all my adult life, I have never been able to meet my dad for lunch or grab a coffee with my mum or just pop by. I lived 12 hours away and now I live 3,000+ miles away. None of this by choice, but by necessity. I envy those who can spend time with their parents frequently. Yet, I see how it has made me stronger and I’m lucky to live in a time of video call and instant messaging. I can’t say I’d be as okay if we still lived in the days of telegrams!

Final thoughts

My experience wasn’t easy and I’m glad my brothers and the rest of my family haven’t had the same one as me. There is disappointment from me on that front, but no bitterness. However, I’m not sure there’s a correlation between ease and reward in my experience. Most of the most rewarding elements of my life, if not all, came from hardship. Being an immigrant allowed me to have a truly international perspective, to have friends from all over, to achieve two degrees, to connect with different people, to have the best dog in the world, and to appreciate what matters in life. It’s not the likes on social media, it’s not the money, it’s not the letters in front or behind your name. It’s family, it’s how you show up for people, it’s how you connect with people, it’s the simple things, it’s the coffee on the balcony with a book, it’s the lifting someone’s spirits, it’s the salsa music in a marina in Wales, and it’s the bits and pieces that you take with you on your journey from all the places you have stood.

I am glad to use the title citizen and not immigrant now and to reclaim so much of myself back but I am forever grateful for so much of my story and my personhood that was shaped by another country. The US didn’t fight for me to stay, but the UK welcomed me back. I just came back a little more tenacious than when I left.

Perhaps my union flag now flies with a couple of stars in the corner…