2024: Finding Myself and Happiness Again

2023 hasn't been my favourite year. Not because anything necessarily bad happened (besides Milo's injury), but because nothing much happened. Besides a few quiet day trips to places I've wanted to go since living in the United States, nothing else has really happened for me. And it's my own fault.

I realised this year that I have completely adhered to the career and nothing else mantra and have left myself with, shock horror, nothing else. I've become almost too scared to leave that place I've locked myself in. This lonely life has become sad but comfortable. I know it well. Us creatures of comfort like the power of knowing, even if it makes us miserable.

When I was a bit younger, I always wanted to be a career woman. I didn't know what I wanted to have a career in, but I wanted that and success to be the focus of my life. After some reflecting today, I do wonder whether that may be to do with the fact that my entire worth in the US was built on what I could achieve so that I could stay. I had to excel in school to keep my student visa and to be marketable when no one wanted to sponsor me. I've put so much of my worth into how others view me and not how I view myself. Don't get me wrong, I have always been this way, but it has certainly magnified tenfold in my twenties and thirties.

On my birthday this year, I was walking around Chawton (alone, of course!) but I was so happy. Most people my age are out all the time, still partying like they're twenty but I find no joy in that and hate having to feel like I have to. I love being in nature and learning. I love simple pleasures and exploring new places. I love a good book and a steaming cup of coffee. I love understanding and supporting people. I love talking about history and fashion. I understand that this makes me a slightly bizarre thirty-two year old, but this is who I am. It was in that moment on my birthday that I realised that I need to own who I am more and actively cultivate doing these things that I love... and completely unapologetically.

My whole life doesn't need to be about work. I don't need to prove myself in that way anymore and lose who I am in the process. I don't need to always be the girl who works hard. There's no award for working every weekend and having no life. Yes, my job is extremely busy and often requires that but I've understood this year just what a detriment this has done to EVERY other aspect of my life. It's time it ended.

My simple goal for this year is to find myself again and to be happy. Happy is such a broad term, but I am leaving it that way, for sometimes our definition of happy changes. What I think is happiness to me now may not be what makes me happy in June. The key here is to relentlessly pursue happiness and to put my dreams and myself first. Besides marking, I have some other research to do in January, I have my PgC to complete and I am excited to get going with a fresh new year!

Some other goals that I hope to achieve this year:

1. Create something charitable - I'm not sure what but I've had an itching to do good

2. Make friends here... or wherever I end up

3. Avoid being comfortable all the time

4. Visit Scotland

5. More sweet day trips

6. Keep Milo happy and healthy

7. Start my own health journey

8. To blog more

It's good to reflect on what has been done well this year too, so here goes:

• I have done a great job at Milo's recovery. It was 100% mostly him but I made some sacrifices and did everything I could to ensure he would be okay before and after his surgery. That has been my number one priority since October.

• I've done well at work even when it has taken every ounce of energy from me.

• I've done better at budgeting even when it has been hard to limit so much of my livelihood.

• I did well in ensuring some of my travel goals were completed.

• I've been a mostly decent human.

What could I have improved upon?

• I could have pursued a life outside my home and work more.

• I could have stood up for myself earlier

• I should have been brave and checked on my health and put as much energy into that as I did my dog's health

• I could have read more! I didn't read as many books this year as I did in 2022.

• I could have been more supportive to loved ones

• I could have budgeted better overall

• I could have volunteered more

Here's to a better 2024 for us all and to pursuing happiness in whatever form that comes. I wish you all a wonderful New Year!