Note: I wrote this back in 2018 but the discussion still holds weight today, so I am re-sharing.
This blog post was not my original intent. I lit my coffee-scented candle. I made myself a large mug of coffee. I put on my favorite cozy sweater. I added the ‘Acoustic Concentration’ playlist on Spotify. I made a list of post ideas. I hovered my fingers over the keyboard. I typed. I erased. I typed. I erased. I went back to an old file listed as ‘Article Ideas’ from 2012 and opened it. I saw ideas upon ideas and then it dawned on me.
I was doing it again. I was pushing myself into a corner with my perfectionism.
I wondered how I could come up with so many ideas then and find it such a struggle now. I realized that I dismiss the ideas before they’ve even materialized.
I want to talk about autumn fashion but I don’t work in fashion forecasting so what do I really know?
I’d love to write about the early struggle in dog ownership but I post about him too much so it’s probably redundant and annoying.
What about being a college professor at 24 years old? No, that sounds too arrogant and I’m not experienced enough to talk.
What about moving to another country? Yawn…
My mind is fickle and I let it continue to be. So, this is what my blog post has become – a discussion about perfectionism. Something I really am an expert in.
Perfectionism is simply defined as, “the refusal to meet any standard below perfection.” According to the American Psychological Association (APA), it manifests itself in two ways: adaptive and maladaptive. Both take perfection seriously but the latter becomes more stressed with imperfect results. Some say these classifications are useless and only serve to make perfectionism seem like it can be a positive trait when it is certainly not (Benson, 2003).
Perfectionism is not something that is rare. In fact, recent studies have suggested that perfectionism is on the rise with college-aged students, and more students today are leaving educational institutions as perfectionists than they were twenty or thirty years ago. According to West Virginia University’s Katie Rasmussen, “we’re starting to talk about how it’s heading toward an epidemic and public health issue.” (Ruggieri, 2018).
For me, at least, perfectionism is exacerbated by the fact that I am a people-pleaser and I have low self-esteem. In other words, I require perfection in both my eyes and those of others but I can never achieve either of those scenarios because you cannot please everyone and I don’t believe I can please myself. It’s a burden, let me tell you.
Mine manifests itself in periods of unproductivity because I don’t feel like my ideas are good enough. It tells me I haven’t achieved much at my age because I haven’t checked off the ideal goals that a normal twenty-six year old would have checked off. I suppose the positive manifestations are that I am detail-oriented, I take a lot of pride in my work, I am thoughtful about the words I say and decisions I make, and I enjoy “healthy” competition with myself.
THE GOOD: I achieved a 3.58 G.P.A. when I graduated from undergrad. Meh. I told myself once I started grad school that, at any cost, I had to beat my undergrad G.P.A. I did. I graduated with a 3.91. I told myself I would and I made it happen. Healthy perfectionism? Maybe not. I only gave myself three full days off in five months.
THE BAD: I take SUCH A LONG TIME to do things or to make decisions. I weigh up every pro and con known to man just so I will avoid the horrible embarrassment of making a mistake. I drive my family and friends nuts with my inability to make what are, to them, fairly simple decisions. I ask for help a lot on simple tasks because I don’t trust my own judgment to make the correct call and, again, I don’t want to make a mistake.
THE UGLY: I broke down in tears once because my friend told me I had applied for a job I was overqualified for. I told her I couldn’t apply for the others because I wasn’t good enough and I knew I would get rejected. I was trying to make it easier on myself by starting at the bottom and proving to people that I was worthy of moving up. I actually cried over this ridiculousness. I cried because someone told me I wasn’t aiming high enough. I cried because someone had called out my perfectionism in its most ugly form – indifferent mediocrity.
I share all this because I know there are so many people out there who treat themselves the same way I do. I’m not here to tell you that I found the magic potion to cure it. I’m here to say that I am working on it. I work on it every day. Some days I am great. Some days I fail. The good thing about all this is the awareness and the recognition. Until that fateful night that I cried over a job application (*insert eye roll here*), I had passed off perfectionism as “I just work hard and am a realist. Why is that bad?” Yes, I work hard and no, I am not a realist. I am a pessimist because pessimism is better than unrealistic optimism… so I tell myself. With perfectionism, you are striving for perfection but you’re equally determined not to make mistakes. Although perfection isn’t a thing, with the sole exception of a Cadbury’s Wispa chocolate bar, close to perfection is often achieved through innovation
Which requires making mistakes
And learning from mistakes
Mistakes.
So, although today’s blog post took a 360° turn from talking about my dog or autumnal fashion, it’s been a valuable lesson for me to let go of the expectations I have for myself and to just do what I love – write. Write about what I want. Most importantly, write for me.
I think when you do things for yourself with no other expectation than to bring yourself joy, perfectionism fades away.
A reminder for all of us perfectionists out there: Being happy is better than being perfect.
SOURCES:
Ruggieri, A. (2018, February 21). The dangerous downsides of perfectionism. Retrieved from: http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20180219-toxic-perfectionism-is-on-the-rise
Benson, E. (2003, November). The many faces of perfectionism. Retrieved from: http://www.apa.org/monitor/nov03/manyfaces.aspx
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