Hi friends. It's been a while.
It’s been about three weeks since one chapter of my life ended. When the next will begin, I still don’t know.
It was very difficult to say goodbye to people and, although I have unfortunately become somewhat of a pro at it, it doesn’t get any easier. There’s been noise and distraction here with family in Houston but I did have one night where I cried because I remembered that I don’t have a home of my own anymore. I kept thinking how I couldn’t wait to watch Milo sit in his little spot in our garden again and promptly remembered that we don’t have “our” garden anymore. Our stuff is in storage and I am in a nomad mentality, trying my best to not get attached to places or people. I think I’ve subconsciously been in this mentality for fourteen years, but it’s worse now. I have complete faith that greener pastures are ahead, but the sadness in saying goodbye to people I love very much is still quite raw. I know it’s not goodbye forever, but it’s not ten minutes down the road either.
In this new season of life, I have been thinking a great deal about the changes I have witnessed in myself, particularly over the last few months. COVID and staying home gave me lots to think about and made me refocus on what truly makes me happy. I had been concerned for many years about having a “big life” and wouldn’t settle for much else. I imagined big cities and fast-paced careers and all the other things that go with that type of lifestyle. I almost wanted that life to make this move over here worth it to me. I even mused to friends how I was so afraid I was destined for a “small life”. How could I be destined for a “small life” after all this hassle I’ve been through?
In the last month or two, however, I think I’ve realized that is actually what I want. Maybe even what I need. Instead of dreading the potential of moving back home because I have “failed” over here, I have embraced it and I even think that maybe that is what I want too. I find myself looking up jobs over in the UK more than I do here and speaking with more excitement and less anxiety about it than I did four months ago. I have come to realize that life is way too short and full of surprises, some welcome and some unwelcome, and that living a small life isn’t a bad thing. COVID year and soul-searching has helped me understand what I value most in life. I value quiet and my personal autonomy living as a single woman. I love simple things like sitting outside with a coffee and listening to birds. I NEED history in my life in some capacity. The cozy life or hygge is what I like the most. My little bubble with Milo is my favorite place to be and, although I 100% need more than what Martin TN offered me, I am quite content with a quiet life at home if there’s enough conveniences around me. I don’t need or even want expensive or lavish things. I even watch more YouTube channels about young women who have sought this same life.
I’ve been purchasing more British magazines, watching more British TV, and looking for more jobs there without thinking. I have spent the last fourteen years telling myself I didn’t want that because losing my visa was almost like a failure. I NEEDED to stay here. I had to. But now, maybe I am listening to my heart for the first time. Maybe I won’t go back to the UK this year or next year, but I think that is part of my destiny now. Maybe I have finally understood that I haven’t failed anyone or anything if I either lose my visa or give it up voluntarily. After all, it wasn’t my choice to come here, but it is my choice to walk on whatever path calls me now.
I don’t know what that path is yet and it has given me a great deal of anxiety. As a control freak, I don’t like not knowing where I am going, physically or metaphorically. I am scared… but I am also hopeful. Hopeful to feel happy. Hopeful to become the best version of myself because I find myself disliking myself so much more. Hopeful to get my self-esteem back. Hopeful to feel appreciated in my job. Hopeful that year 30 (eek!) will be the one that gets me where I need to be.
There's a quote by Soren Kierkegaard, "Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards."
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