I have lived in the United States for close to fourteen years -- almost the same amount of time as I lived in Wales -- and yet the longing for home (the "hiraeth") never goes away. I was overjoyed, therefore, to have been invited to attend the 2nd Annual Noson Lawen by the Welsh Society of Western New England on January 30 via Zoom.
You may be thinking, "You live in Tennessee. How did you end up on a Zoom with the Welsh Society of Western New England?" Good question! I was lucky enough a year or two ago to connect with an incredible woman named Lowri, who is a member of this society. We connected in a photography group on Facebook that showed pictures of Anglesey (where we are both from) and have kept in touch all this time. Even a thousand miles apart, I am so grateful to have a (then) complete stranger reach out, support, keep up with, and be so kind to me. I absolutely cherish this serendipitous friendship!
So, Noson Lawen...
Noson Lawen in Wales is a traditional gathering of friends and neighbors to share stories, song, poetry, and food. Effectively, it is an informal way of keeping the pieces of our culture that we treasure alive. We did all of these things on the Zoom meeting apart from, of course, share food.
I got on the Zoom call a little early and was struck by the level of emotion it raised in me. I was sitting there watching a screen full of complete strangers and yet I felt such a connection. I had tears in my eyes as I heard men and women who sounded like the beloved family members I miss dearly. One man who spoke from Wales sounded just like my uncle and I had to contain my emotions. I had no idea that a tone of voice or accented English could lead me to feeling so homesick and well in my soul at the same time.
I have always been one of those people that didn't search for British friends. As much as I did (and do) miss home, I didn't think it would do me much good to seek out people like me in this new home. I don't regret that decision because I have friends of all backgrounds and ages and they have enriched my life beyond measure. However, during the Noson Lawen, I felt a pang of regret that I didn't have anyone I could connect to on that level in this country. I have never had a community that fully understands me here. I teeter on the edge of being just American enough to get by. In fact, there was one occasion that I did meet a fellow Brit at a bar on Sixth Street in Austin and I was so excited! I spoke to him for a little and he was nice. He told me where in England he was from and then asked where I was from. I told him Anglesey, Wales. He then called me "scum" and walked away. It was my last interaction with a Brit in this country until fairly recently. It didn't upset me more than shock me that there are still folks from back home that take the rivalry between nations past witty banter and sports. Being the daughter of a Welsh father and English mother, I just remember thinking, "Wow."
So, Noson Lawen with the WSWNE was already stirring up emotions of hiraeth before it even started. Then we got into the program and it filled me with an immeasurable amount of joy. We heard beautiful songs and poetry, were taught some intriguing Welsh history, and enjoyed talented musicians. The topic of hiraeth came up a number of times during the program. In fact, there was even a beautiful poem about it. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, hiraeth is described as:
"(Especially in the context of Wales or Welsh culture) deep longing for something, especially one's home.
"I could not begin to put into words the hiraeth that the Welsh feel for the mountains and valleys of their homeland""
It is a wistful feeling. For me, sometimes it even feels mentally claustrophobic, if that makes sense - you miss something so much but it isn't there anymore or never was. It could even be a fleeting feeling you once felt. There was lots of hiraeth that day. In addition, I found myself thinking of my Nana and how she would have loved hearing about me attending. Funnily enough, during one of the poems, sweet peas were mentioned, which is the flower my Nana loved and one I always associate with her. There were continual tidbits of moments in my past that very much live in my heart each day -- the simple feeling of "home", harp music, accented English, singing, poems, and community.
After the two hour program had ended, I felt a lot more well in my soul; like thirteen years of trying to fit in left my body and I could finally just sit in a space with people who fully understood. It was an intensely liberating feeling that I haven't felt in years. I felt incredibly honored to have been invited and so grateful to have witnessed this little community come together from the United States to Wales and beyond to share, celebrate, and spend time with each other in the middle of pandemic because of a culture we all belong to and love.
I will treasure those two hours on January 30 for a very long time because I got to go home.
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